Category Archives: Humor
What I Learned From My Dad
My dad is the ultimate do-it-yourself-er. He’s never met a fix-it challenge he wouldn’t take a crack at before calling in a professional. The man has nearly chopped his thumb off on a fan blade (which he sewed back together himself BTW), impaled himself in the keester on a length of wood flooring, and fallen through the ceiling over a stair well leading to the basement.
Yes, it is a miracle that he’s still alive. Our affectionate nickname for him is sparky for electrical reasons.
I own that I am sparky’s daughter. I once blew every fuse in my house rewiring a lamp (in my defense, it was a really old house and a really old lamp). So in honor of Father’s Day here are a few things I’ve learned from old sparky that I never will forget and you shouldn’t either.
1) If it’s broke – fix it.
2) If it’s not broke take it apart and see if you can figure out how it works.
3) If you break it while exploring how it works it was a cheap piece of crap to begin with.
4) Now that the cheap piece of crap is broken, see number 1
Happy Father’s Day Daddy! I love you so much, even if you did take my keyboard apart and it never worked right again. The cheap piece of crap.
God, is That You Giggling at Me?
I woke up this morning and put my jacket on inside out. Realizing my mistake I took the jacket off to correct the issue and realized when I put it back on it was still inside out. It was like some bizarre magic trick I wasn’t qualified to figure out.
This is one of those moments when you feel like the Almighty is giggling at you. So I went back to sleep. I’ll just stay under the blankets until the Almighty is finished being silly.
Wanted New Roommates
I need new roommates. Frankly the ones I have now are pigs. Evolutionarily speaking they’re only half a chromosome away from a Rhesus Monkey (or for those of you in the 5 states that ban evolution – God done messed up with these fools).
Seriously, I was sick for two days. When I finally crawled out of bed, they had destroyed my house.
After spending a day picking dirty socks off the living room floor, scrubbing dried food off the coffee table, and running three full loads through the dishwasher, I decided I needed to do something about my living arrangements. They have to get jobs and get out!
And they had better not try that “But Mommy” or “But Honey” crap on me. I’m not having it this time and I don’t care how cute they are!
Sorry I Raised Your Blood Pressure!
So one of my missions is to make people smile therefore I am prone to cracking jokes to lighten the moment. Unfortunately, some people find this very annoying. To them I say, “Sorry won’t be stopped.”
Recently I did my usual cracking of joke when a woman who was unrelated to the conversation blurted out, “Sarcasm is the sign of a weak intellect.”
Um, ouch.
Of course not to be outdone I shot back, “And bitchiness is the sign of a bankrupt soul.”
Did I do wrong? I think maybe I did. I’m snarky when under attack but this goes against my spread a smile mantra. She definitely wasn’t smiling.
She increased my stress level and I increased hers – where’s the win there?
I was reading in The Dragonfly Effect that watching a funny YouTube video can dramatically lower your stress level, so bankrupt-soul-lady if you’re out there the video below is for you. Watch it. Smile. Lower your blood pressure. I think the books said you have to watch for 5 minutes so watch it a few times.
Just Sayin’ – Sorry,
Am I Going To Hell? Who’s With Me!
I am a firm believer in the “well they won’t do that again” school of learning. That’s how I grew up. Stick a penny in the light socket – I didn’t do that again. Climb on a tower of randomly assembled household items to reach the top shelf – I didn’t do that again, either (okay one more time but I swear never again after that).
This is why when is see others engaging in behavior that is inherently stupid, I want them to have a “they won’t do that again” moment. One the biggest acts of stupidity and the one that brought me to this tirade are women who do not leave themselves enough time to get ready in the morning.
Today I was in traffic behind a woman applying mascara in rush hour traffic. Okay, I will admit to the odd lipstick application behind the wheel, but I cannot imagine taking a plastic bar, covered in stiff bristles, slathered with black goop to my eye while doing the rush hour bunny-hop. I envision something like that going very badly.
For some reason, I found myself hoping this woman would rear-end the person in front of her. I wanted her to poke her eye out so I could say, “well, she won’t do that again.” I wanted her to walk around with an eye-patch for the rest of her life, so she could be a lesson of other women who think their dashboard is an extension of their bathroom vanity.
Ditto for the woman I saw barreling down the road at eighty miles per hours, with a Starbucks and cell phone in her left hand, and a curling iron in her right. What was she using to steer? Her foot? I wanted a deer to run out in front of her so she would be forced to drop the hot iron and coffee in her lap. After six or seven skin grafts, she wouldn’t do that again.
The scary part of thinking this way is I’m the one who will go to hell for feeling this way.
I’m just sayin’. ~V
Theories
I have a lot of what I like to call “theories” – others I won’t name (Jennifer) call them crazy ideas – that I stockpile to explain the way the world works or should work in my mind.
The shall not be named person will on occasion throw one of my more “creative” theories around to her friends in an effort to enlighten them on how the world ought to be (according to just me). The most recent favorite “theory” is that of purse size.
My purse is the size of an extra large diaper bag. I do not carry this purse because I have a need to allay some latent Sherpa tendencies – no I carry this behemoth to make my butt look smaller.
You see a hobbit sized purse makes your butt look bigger and a diaper bag like mine makes your butt appear smaller.
If you think about it this “theory” is sound. Small stuff makes everything around it appear larger. Try it for yourself.
Grab a tea cup – you know the frilly fussy little things that came with your good china. Now look at your hand. Look at those sausage fingers of yours! That paw is HUGE!
Next grab an extra large coffee mug – you know the kind you drink from every morning. Now look at your hand. Look at those delicate, slender, dainty fingers. Your hand is so TINY!
The effect is the same for your butt, just substitute purse for the cups, thighs for fingers, and butt for paw and hand.
I’m just sayin’. ~V
